that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
