You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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