I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
