Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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