Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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