I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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