On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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