She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i drank out of a bidet.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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