You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
