Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
