I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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