At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We are all done wearing pants today
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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