I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
