I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
