I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
