I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
