Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
