if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
