Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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