I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize