Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just puked most of my soul out..
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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