You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
