i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
