So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
