two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
