i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
