just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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