Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
