just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
