dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
