Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
