Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
