no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
