If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize