at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
MIDGETS
????
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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