You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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