I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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