you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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