Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize