I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize