Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
