Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
