Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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