I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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