i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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