Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
