i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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