I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
