he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found puke in my bra..
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
