sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
