Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
