wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
