There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
