woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Randomize
