I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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