Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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