I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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