Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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