I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
