I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
