I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize