he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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