you mean i was at the winter classic?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
