he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
