I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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