Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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