I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just gift wrapped bread.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
